My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
