I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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