jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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