I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
