I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
