News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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