forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
