I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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