I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
