If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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