It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
