I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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