it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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