I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She said her name was "party"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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