Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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