I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
