I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
