walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
