Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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