just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
