So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
