Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
