"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
