I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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