and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
