I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
