I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
