This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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