you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
