I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
