Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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