this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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