I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
