Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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