zippers are such a cool invention
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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