My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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