its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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