mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
