It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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