You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
