fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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