She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
