i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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