i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
