He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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