I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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