I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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