Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
