I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
