Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
