You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
