The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
