i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
