i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My liver just had a heart attack.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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