she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
