if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
